From “five-finger shuffle” to “finding nemo.” Masturbating is an egalitarian exercise; there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Anything is fair game, so long as personal pleasure is the intention. Your premiere masturbatory experience might require tools: A showerhead, a vibrator, perhaps a bidet (if you’re thinking outside the box). Maybe you prefer to free-hand it. Perhaps you watch porn—or you opt for analog with some literotica, instead. Maybe you maintain a more specified approach. All the same, solo play is a tale as old as time—and one that’s just as nuanced. So, given that variety is the spice of life, we’re honoring the grand tradition of masturbation with a list of our 50 favorite euphemisms for beating off. Categorized by everything from classic colloquialisms (think: jerk off; wank) to thematically culinary terms (“shaking hands with the milkman”), here are our favorite ways to diversify your masturbatory vocabulary. Classics Jerk off Wank Jack off Rub one out Onamation Beat off Culinary Terms Beating the meat Shaking hands with the milkman Poaching the egg Cutting the carrot Making waffles Shucking the corn Making soup Oozing your noodle Beef stroken-off Cooking cucumbers Seasoning the meatloaf Fishing with dynamite Animal-Forward Isms Finding Nemo Marching the penguin Petting the cat Spearing the bearded clam Burping the worm Tugging your own slug Spanking the monkey Technical Terms Manual Override Onamation Double Clicking (Digit)al research Dotting the i Debugging the harddrive Clicking the homepage Liquidating the inventory Shuffling your ipod Terms That Defy Categorization Lone rangering Downstairs DJing Badgering the witness Preparing a monologue Minding the gap Auditioning the finger puppets Shaking hands with the devil Five-finger shuffle Keynoting in Cupertino Taking your talents to South Beach Pocket pinball Celebrating palm sunday Drilling for oil Buffing the vampire slayer Practicing politics Making the bald man cry